I write short stories. I own surprisingly few pairs of shorts. I sometimes short circuit.
"Alana" sounds like "A lotta" = A lotta shorts.

Take the title however you like.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

SumAntics: Get the Sleep You Don't Deserve!


Do your unfulfilled dreams keep you up at night?
Do you wake up in a cold sweat thinking about your disappointing life?
Do thoughts of the days' sins and failures stop you from getting a good night's sleep?

Then SumAntics is for you!

SumAntics is a revolutionary new way of converting the vocabulary of your pathetic, daily life into inspirational words and phrases that will not only let you rest peacefully but may even put a smile on your sleeping face.

Stop tossing and turning over that lie you told your Boss! With SumAntics, suddenly that 'lie' becomes "a compelling reconstruction of the truth"!

SumAntics is a brand new type of Thesaurus containing a wide cache of the negative pathetic words and phrases that make up your most self-destructive thoughts. Organized first by Category, such as "Marriage Issues" and "Inner Demons", and then Alphabetically, SumAntics lists many words and phrases that cause you taxing and unreasonable stress, forcing you to analyze the unfair and undeserved consequences of your thoughts and actions when all you're trying to do is get the rest you're owed as a Human Being. It pairs these with inflated synonyms that zap the negative connotation out of your sins and vices instantly, giving you the chance at that peace you know you deserve!

Don't let your pathetic life of unfulfilled dreams keep you from your much needed rest! Use SumAntics to find the best way to turn that phrase! Transform your 'pathetic' life into one of 'incalculable potential' and your 'unfulfilled' dreams into 'plausibly redeemable' ones!

Stop beating yourself up because you were too lazy to workout today! Don't think of yourself as 'lazy' but as someone 'proudly committed to leisureliness'!

Now you can keep having that extramarital affair without it keeping YOU from sleeping soundly next to your spouse! After all, meeting an 'esteemed companion' for a meeting of 'compassionate exchange' is nothing to lose sleep over!

AND SumAntics comes with a 30-day Guarantee! We guarantee that if you're not sleeping more soundly in just 30 DAYS you must be one sick son-of-a-bitch because we covered everything but child molestation and terrorism in this Thesaurus. Please turn yourself in to the authorities or seek professional psychiatric help.

So try SumAntics and finally get the guilt-free sleep you so desperately need!

SumAntics :
Helping You Get the Sleep You Don't Deserve.

WARNING: SumAntics may cause delusions of grandeur, an increasing moral numbness, and desensitization resulting in the arrest and/or death of you and those around you. Please consult the moral compass of someone else or your spiritual adviser/guide/pastor/priest before trying SumAntics. SumAntics, if used in the company of other non-SumAntic users, may arouse suspicion and judgment: Keep SumAntics away from prying eyes and anyone with whom your encounters have caused you to use SumAntics in the first place.

1 comment:

Andria said...

hahaha - love it!

About Me

My photo
I'm Lanii. I try to Be Good. It doesn't always work. "Call Me Lanii" is sort of about that - my inner and outer triumphs (what?) and struggles. "Alana Shorts" is sort of about that, too: I draw way too much inspiration from the crazy and strange events that actually happen to me and end up writing very little 'fiction'. I usually have my tongue quite thoroughly stuck in my cheek.